This morning was the big day. We were finding out the sex of the last little Lusty baby. Here I was halfway through with being pregnant forever and I was excited to see what we were having. This had been the dream pregnancy people talked about. The one where you loved being pregnant. No morning/afternoon/evening sickness, nauseousness or acid reflux to speak of. My only symptoms seemed to be extreme tiredness and an occasional bout of crying at the most ridiculous commercials. All was manageable and we were on our way.
I had my babysitter lined up for Abram when Cooper decided he didn't want to go. I had mentioned making a trip to Sam's after the appointment and he was a no-go. "Just tell me if it is a boy or a girl when you get back, I'm playing checkers with Brooke," he said. So off I left with just one big four year old boy to my doctor's appointment.
Ultrasound lady called my name and I asked if we could wait five more minutes for my husband who had a slight brain blimp on the time of the appointment and was running late. I told him I was going to go in without him, but decided at the last minute to wait.
I laid down on the table and turned to see the monitor full of anticipation. Two weeks earlier I had heard the heart beat which was strong, but had yet to feel the baby move. There on the screen was our baby. . . and he was very still.
Yet beautiful. He looked very peaceful curled in the fetus position, sleeping like the little baby he was. Absolutely no movement. I began to ask why as the technician moved the wand around my ever growing belly. She was silent and my heart was racing. Why wasn't he moving?!
"I'm sorry honey, there is no heartbeat."
I looked at Brian, the tears beginning to swell in my eyes, and quickly looked at Wyatt who was busy playing his Leapster with his headphones on. Turning my head back to the screen I saw my little boy again and was trying to hold in the tears as best I could.
"You can see water on the brain here. This tells me he had some sort of infection, which eventually took his life. Of course you can never know 100%. Let me step out a moment and speak with the doctor."
I stared at the ceiling my mind stopped as I pictured the tiny baby on the screen. Gone. My shattered expectations were hard to bear. Get me out of here now!
She came back and ushered us across the hall and into the doctor's office immediately to our own private room. We waited on the doctor and looked at each other in disbelief. Was this really happening? At twenty weeks? We were only here to find out the sex of the baby and be on our way to tell all our friends! My phone rings at least five different times while we are waiting for the doctor. Thankfully Wyatt is consumed by the lack of Leapster playtime to noticed anything out of sorts.
The doctor comes in to express his deepest sorrows and explains the steps to be taken from here. I have two choices (1)Outpatient surgery where I will be completely asleep. Tissue will be taken completely out. No chance of testing done on baby to determine what went wrong. (2)Induction and eventual delivery of baby. High dosage of pitocin and normal delivery steps taken. Benefit is baby would be able to be tested.
Choice #1 which sadly cannot be done until Monday. Why did my appointment fall on a Friday?! Off to the hospital we go for blood work and pre-op paperwork. First phone call to my Mom. The thought of calling people who are expecting exciting news and having to deliver horrible news is heartbreaking. I can only call two people who will call others for me. I cannot quit crying.
Third floor of the hospital, labor and delivery. I fill out the paperwork and sign the official documents and am on my way for bloodwork. Ten minutes later we are in the van and driving.
Just as friends and family don't know what to do or say . . . I don't know how to feel or say to them. It is a whole awkward moment I don't want to face. At times I feel at peace with the situation and the next moment I am crying at lost dreams. I know my friends and family are sorry and some more upset at times than me. Just looking at them and seeing the disappointment is to much. I just want to disappear for a time and come back and things are back to normal. I hate for others to feel sorry for me or worry about what they should say.
I am thankful for blogs to get out my thoughts. I am anxious for Monday's surgery and am ready for it to be over. Tomorrow we are celebrating my nephew Ben's first birthday and I hope I don't make the day uncomfortable for anyone. I sure don't want to be a rain cloud on my sweet nephew's day.
I have three beautiful healthy boys who I am very grateful for. I am sad I will not be able to meet my fourth little boy face to face and wasn't able to protect or put my arms around him to show him how much he was loved.
So ends this pregnancy.
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17 comments:
I want to say thanks for sharing, I can imagine it must have been hard to write this blog. I really have no words, I just want you to know I am thinking about you guys and praying for you.
There are no words say. I can't even say I remotely understand what you and the family are feeling or going through at this moment but I can tell you that I love you guys and will keep you in my prayers. May God grant you the wisdom to understand and total peace. Sending big hugs.
Oh Jennifer, I am so, so sorry!! Just know that you and your family are in our prayers!!
When the words are too hard to say out loud, writing is the best way to get it out. I, for one, am thankful you shared with us. I don't want to say I'm sorry...but I am.
It's ok to have your friends and family sorry for you, for your baby son, Brian, your 3 beautiful growing boys. We love you guys and are hurting with you.
I don't know what else to say, but want you to know that I'm thinking of you, praying for you, and sending you hugs. I'll pray for peace on Monday and the days following.
I'm so very sorry.
I don't have the words and can't help but feel bad because of my pregnancy. I am so so sorry. I pray that God sends you things to keep you busy, quiet time to grieve, and hope to move on,
I admire you so much for your attitude and facing the world today. You are a testament to a strong faith. I thing what your friend Jessi said was perfect. I love you and your beautiful family, we're praying for you.
OH this brings back a flood of memories and emotions.
You have the right to find a deep dark hole and crawl in it for however long you want to. I remember laying on my bed staring at the closet wondering if I would be better off locking my self inside. I didn't want to read another email, sympathy card, and answer another phone call. It's hard and you have every right to feel numb. I remember laying in my hospital bed listening to Damon's supervisor tell his commander on the phone that we seemed to be okay. I wanted to jump out of the bed and slug him, but my legs were numb from the epidural. I "seemed" okay because I was emotionally numb. It's just how your mind deals with it. It's grief. And it's a journey. Please know that I am here for you. There are countless women out there who have experienced the pain you are going through. Reach out. Let one of us help you along on this journey. It's a lot easier than walking alone.
{{{{HUGS}}}}
I know that there are no words that will make this better or easier for you. Just know that you have a loving family (both related in blood and in Christ) who are lifting you and your family up for some extra prayers.
oh, Jennifer. I am totally lost for words. I am so sorry for your loss.
I hope and pray that your pain will ease with time.
I'm glad that you have lots of family and friens around you to lean on.
I am so sad for you. You will be in my prayers over these upcoming days and weeks.
We hurt because we know you hurt. Losing a baby (which is a silly saying- you don't lose it, if you did, you could find it again.) is a very sad thing. No one quite knows the right thing to say. You know that God knows best, etc. etc. but it's not what you want to hear right now. I've been down this road. I thank God that I had friends to lean on during it. Because I had others who had "been there" to talk to, I could understand a little more and know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. To quote Melinda, who helped me through it, "I'll kick the walls with you when you are mad and I'll cry with you when you are sad." I'm hear if you need to talk about it, or have any other questions about it.
Jenny, just know that we are thinking of you and love you very much. Our prayers are with you and Brian and your sweet boys.
Papa and Grandma
We are praying for you. Thank you for sharing your story and I hope that you will feel better after having expressed yourself. I wish there were more people could do in situations like this but nothing makes it better. God will comfort you during this difficult time! Hope you are feeling well after surgery.
Jenny and Brian, we love you and will pray for you and be there for you if you need or want us. We love you two and your three precious little boys.
Words seem hollow at a time like this. We would all like to do more than pray, but that is what we can do best. Love Maudie and Jimmie
What a beautifully stated blog that shares such heart wrentching thoughts. You know my heart is with all of you. Love, O
Hey Lady! I just want you to know two things that have gotten me through several losses. When I had my miscarriage and the death of my 3 yr old son.
First - There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Just don't run from it and don't run to it - just let it be.
Second - Give it to God - it is his plan that you will be.
My love, thoughts, and prayers are with you all.
Caren
I don't know if you remember me, I met you at Lita's house and I'm Ann Forrester's aunt. I linked to your blog from Lita's and I wanted to let you know you and your family are in my prayers. The same thing happened to me over 20 years ago, I went in for a regular check up on a Friday and they couldn't find the heartbeat, and had to wait until Monday for the D&C. It takes a long time, but it will get better. I did go on to have another baby (who is nearly 17 now) and now have a foster baby who is 8 weeks old.
Janell Huntsman
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